I hour past midnight

My Najihah has one more paper to go (SPM) but she looked as if as she had gone through all the subjects...I am so worried coz she seems so relax..Inilah jadinya kalau periksa lama sangat...sampai sebulan. kan elok ikut sistem dulu..seminggu je...dah boleh merdeka

. I remembered when taking my SPM way back in 1983 with my STF friends...The last paper was Sejarah...and, I was so anxious to 'get rid' of the exam that didn't study at all that night. I chatted with my monitor, Gina the whole night before the exam until we got sleepy and we went to bed early...like 10 o'clock or something...Hey, I got C3...not bad for a person who didn't study much like me (I think).

So, (pertaining to the topic), it's i hour ++ past midnight but I'm still wide awake..Teringat macam2. Things in the future and of course, memories...Argh, It's not easy to be forgotten...especially when my kids were small...dalam berbelas tahun yang sudah...they were so cute, so darling and quite easy to handle...(mentally)and my life is nothing else but THEM. It was not that complicated but a bit hard, I would admit...imagine handling 6 young children between the age of 3 months and 14 years old all at once.

My husband was really a great help. He was so close to the children. He used to bathe and put clothes on them. He would ride them in the car around the taman every morning before going to work...He would feed them with food during meal time..etc...etc...I don't know if my children still remember this...

Well, it was quite a memory. It's really something that I would like my children to remember forever...How close and bonded we all used to be. Now, that almost everyone have left home ('Adilah, Amirah and Asyraf are in the pursuing their studies in the university and 'Ayah' travels almost every week to KL and other places)I sometimes feel that I have lost 'them'...I hope it's just my 'delusional' feeling...maybe I just perasan sorang sorang...I don't know :( . But i hope things would be better very soon. Tak boleh cerita banyak2 di sini. Nanti hati jadi lagi sebak...

So, goodnight everyone...Sweet dreams and hope things would be better for everyone tomorrow... :)

p/s: He always said, "Mana ibu?" every time he came home from work...Dah terlalu lama tak kedengaran...Dunia semakin changgih...banyak benda lain yang ada di depan mata agaknya.

Mother's Day that is long forgotten..

It's been 23 years since I hold the title. My children called me IBU which also means mother. So, how do I feel being an IBU then, and being an IBU now?

My mum used to say..."Now, u know how it feels to be a mother...That's the way I felt when i first had u and later, ur sisters." She always said this every time I held my babies in my arms after the delivery. Delivering and raising them had never been an 'easy' experience but the joy of being a mother overcomes all the hardship in the upbringing.

So, this year only 3 out of my 6 children wished me... one in the morning, another at night and the last one 2 days after...My significant other only wished me late in the evening...well, I assumed everyone's bz.

For the last 10 years or more I had been calling my mum and MIL on Mother's Day to wish them...to cheer them up...I could sense the excitement when they wished me back. Now, mum has gone and I'm only left with my MIL to take care off. Once in a while I wished I could say that to my OPAH too who had left me in 1994. She was really so dear to me. I missed doing all the things for her and with her...

With Mak, it's a bit different. Mak was a bit garang, not like Opah. But as she got older she mellowed down. When she got sick, my sisters and I had to take turn to take care of her..I'm really grateful to Allah because my sisters were never 'berkira'.

"Mak sangat bersyukur anak-anak mak dan menantu-menantu mak baik-baik semuanya.."she told me with tears in her eyes.

Taking care of mak when she was sick was not an easy task. Sometimes it can be an emotional roller coaster ride. There were times when I, myself couldn't control the emotions especially when I couldn't help her to ease the pain.

"Kaki mak sakit Yong...berdenyut2 ni...cuba Yong pegang" I touched the legs but the warmth on the hardened skin was the only thing I could feel. It's really saddening for me not to be able to relate to the suffering that she faced.

Bathing her was another thing. Every time I bathed her she tried not to feel awkward as I always took off all her clothes and let her felt the chilled water of the shower...

"Tiap kali mak datang Kedah, mak rasa puas dapat mandi elok2...tp mak malu dgn Yong...."

I just ignored what she said but deep in my heart I really pitied her. It must be difficult for her to handle herself although Abah was always there for her. Abah was in a wheel chair himself.

I wish I could do more to mak when she was around. I wonder what treatment will I get when I'm old. I never spoke harsh words to my mum nor did I yell to her even though she was wrong at times. I always tried my best to understand her and my Abah as senior citizens. Will my children do the same thing?


I know I'm not perfect but I am a MOTHER.

Just say it...

It's almost midnight and everyone (only the three of us) has gone to sleep...There are a lot things I want to say here, but the words seem to be so shy...Macammana ya? I guess nowadays I'd just like to remain silence...Just listen....No talking....What's the use of talking when no one listens?

So, I went to visit my mum's grave last saturday...True enough like what Abah had told me...somebody's else jenazah was buried beside my mum's. That place is supposedly to be Abah's grave in future...I could sense Abah's frustration right at the graveyard ...Abah will not be able to lay beside emak when he died...I began to wonder, is Allah trying to show something? We knew how desperate Abah was last time asking us to find a 'replacement' for Mak, just a few months after Mak passed away. Abah said he wanted a companion...somebody he could talk to and solat with....I know it doesn't make any sense but it's like Mak merajuk....

Last words...I'm supposed to do my assignment now ...but I feel so sleepy already...

I received a piece of cloth which I called "handkerchief" 2 days before the NEW YEAR..It looked like a 'kain perca' but I dared not say that to the person who gave it to me. I know it must be very hard for N to get 'something' for me because I always pester N to buy me a souvenir every time N travels around. Not like other colleagues who never forgot to bring back some 'momento' for the unit, this friend of mine always made the trips and travels as a secret...and N never brought back anything for the unit... :)

So, I was a bit surprise when N came to my cubicle that day and handed me 'something'. N had 2 in his hands actually and ask me which one did I like better. And I said, "this one!". Then Nsaid, " Well, u can have it then..." Of course my first reaction was surprise....but I said thank you anyway...What I always requested as a joke is now real..

Later, I told N, "U know what...some people said that it's not good to give people any handkerchief. It represents something sad like a farewell or other unfortunate events. But, never mind...I'll use it to wipe my tears if I cry..."

"I didn't know about that," N said and smiled.

"Yeah, it's only a superstitious...I don't believe it neither..." I told N again.


Then, it was 1.1.2011...
I took the 'handkerchief' from my handbag and wiped the tears...So, the whole story about the handkerchief is true after all..... :((

Itching...itching....itching....

Not just a FAN.....

What is NEW YEAR?

...a repetition of old resolutions....